It feels so good when you stop

That is my husband’s take on both head banging and jogging… and it seems to be true of hurting in any form.

Of late, it seems that I am seeing a more gentle, open side of my husband. He’s been talking more, he seems to take things less seriously — or at more with acceptance, rather than resignation. And I don’t know what’s happening. Could it simply be the new son-in-law, and soon to be daughter-in-law? or the potential of becoming a grandparent? Or is it reading/praying the readings in the Magnificat each morning?

I just don’t know… is it me? am I finally able to see this side of him?

Whatever, I am realizing how badly I hurt for a long, long time. And when the hurt starts going away steadily, then Wow! One begins to realize how it stayed in place for so long.

Is this a healing? Is this what Jesus promised? I learn to forgive, even a little, and get healed in the process? I learn to fire up my boundary defenses, and then I can open them up a bit? What is clear is that I now see that for a long time the only emotion I could sense was anger, and now I can begin to sense joy, happiness, a bit of love.

Someone outside of me will have to diagnose whether my sense of fear and anger was a bit of paranoia, or something more grounded in fact. I know that not feeling afraid is a good place to be. I know that I was hurting a lot longer and a lot deeper than I knew at the time. And, that the healing seems to be very much like that old image of peeling an onion. Some days, though, I’m not sure I want to take off another layer.

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