Balancing Act

Or Discerning when the answer to “Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord?” is “Not you, not now.”

I’m just back from being a part of the team for a Women’s Cursillo Weekend. The spring weekends in this diocese are held over at the Blessed Trinity Shrine Retreat which is a spot that I firmly believe to be Holy Ground. And, as so often happens when we put ourselves on holy ground, some interesting insights occur.

Listening to one of my “Sistas” (inside joke, sista!) talk, had a bit of understanding sink in. It might be difficult at times to be the leaven in the situation or function as the salt of the earth in a particular spot… and that is ok. Do it. But, at the same time, it might just be that the answer is: this one is not mine to fix. I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. And until I follow my own path to the right place, I can in no way be that leaven or salt.

It’s approaching the 1 year mark since I left a position I had for nearly 26 years. I know that I am more at peace inside. I know this was the right thing to do. The choice of when to leave was a difficult one, true. But, I’m really not looking back. I have a couple of folks that I keep contact with, but, essentially it was time to let go.

In that work situation, I was so often frustrated because I would find myself being the source of discontent and disruption. I didn’t want to be. I had just gotten to that place where I had to admit that it was time to change. It seems that I had to let go of a lot of things: my seniority (fat lot of good that was doing), a place to go everyday (that had gotten oppressive), an area of expertise that I had never sought (I knew my stuff, I was good, I really didn’t have a personal interest in it); But, these things were some of the building blocks of how I defined myself. And as I struggled with these, and other issues, I was unable to be a light, or to be a positive influence on my situation. As Christians, we often know the call to bloom where you are planted; we often know the call to be an agent of change. We don’t always honor it, but we probably suspect that it is there.

And so, I had to learn/accept that it was time to let go. Move on. We can’t give what we don’t have. So, I had to understand that in this case, the question “Is it I Lord?” was blessedly “Nope. Not you. Not now.” What a relief!

Interesting aside: Recently, I’ve had the experience of people coming up to me and remarking that they see transformation in me. Whoa! I see it in another friend who made the same sort of change at about the same time — but it is good to have the affirmation in my own life. Perhaps I can now be a bit of salt and light in this world.

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