Journey

I’ve long had difficulty with traditional Marian traditions/prayers/worship. Probably partly stems from my Calvinist introduction to Christianity. But, I think it may go deeper than that. I believe it involves the traditional image of Mary who honor is that she was submissive — and the idea that we often get that she was submissive to men. Yes, I see her as submissive - but only to the will of God. One has to be pretty well centered and strong in faith to submit to God’s will. One has to be ready to stand tall, face opposition and be willing to stand their ground to carry this out.

I’m not so strong. I am often submissive (and resentful) to the wrong things, to the wrong people.

And so, last week, at the vigil mass for the Assumption, I was very struck by Fr. Alex’s message. He asked each of us to share the virtue(s) of Mary that we wish to emulate in our lives. We’re a pretty talkative group, so there were several responses. Then he followed with the idea that the ultimate virtue of Mary was that she gave birth to Christ — she brought Christ into the world. And that is what each of us is called to do, over and over again.

This morning as I made my way through morning prayers and the readings for the mass (Queenship of Mary), the power of Mary as the first among the disciples, the first to bring Christ into the world came back fiercely.

I can only pray that on ocasion I too can bring the Light of Christ into the part of the world I inhabit.

Tags: discipleship, Mary, prayer

That’s what it feels like right now. We went away on vacation. But, we’ve not had too much company this summer. And then Bang! in August, I suddenly don’t have room… I feel a bit like the Innkeeper in the Nativity story. Everyone in town at once, and not enough rooms.

Tags: gratefulness, openness

I have a new granddaughter! Ella was born about 1 am Saturday morning. That was joyful news to cap off a week of good news.

New babies are so totally unaware of the hope and joy they bear. They just exist, right there in the moment. A new little one, in this strange world of light and sound and touch, is just present. Free from knowing of the expectations that family, friends and the world will try to put on them. Free to be dependent on Mama. Open to being loved.

I’m looking forward to meeting baby Ella. I’m looking forward to spending a week helping out and spending time with her sister, Lily (not quite 2 years old). These new little lives, full of wonder, help me to remember to be full of wonder. They are a very real reminder that we must be as little children to enter the kingdom of God. And they example of how to do it.

Makes me want to shout “Alleluia!”

Tags: gratitude, hope, joy

This week has brought much joy - much good news. There was a college graduation, a job offer, a contract on a house (in this market, that is cause for great joy) and the imminent arrival of a second granddaughter.

It also brought up my dispairing side. I found myself thinking - “OK - where’s the bad news? Life can’t be this good.” It seems I hold some deep-seated opinion that I am not worthy of having so many good things. I am not worthy. If there is joy in my life, sorrow must be lurking around the corner, ready to pounce.

I’ve been focusing on gratefulness. On accepting with joy the wonderful things that happen this week. Easier said than done. Even when I look back over the week, I see some frustration. The phone line was cut by the plumbers, and we had no phone or internet for 2 days. The work the plumbers were planning to do went awry.

Funny — looking back, those “bad things” just didn’t even register.

I am grateful. I am happy. I am thankful. And that’s a good space to live in.

Tags: gratefulness, hope, joy

Graduation took less than 2 hours. No guest speaker. New PhD’s hooded all together at the same time. But, every name got called, and it was streamed over the internet, so my mom got to watch Daniel cross the stage. She probably had a better view than I did. It’s done. The cap and gown turned in and the diploma picked up.

In the car going over to campus, (6 of us crammed into a Forerunner that could actually handle 5), my daughter made a comment about all 3 of them now being college grads. The tears welled up in me. Tears of pride. Tears of joy. Tears of loss. You spend their childhood preparing them to grow up and leave and have their own lives. You pray over them, yell at them, hug them and cry for and with them. You wonder if they will ever grow up!

And then they do. The chicks leave the nest under the power of their own wings. And, you cry, just a few tears, once again.

God has no grandchildren. I know that they are just as much “child of God” as I am.

Just as happens over and over again, a new day is dawning. I wonder what it will bring.

Tags: acceptance, children, faith, hope

My youngest child graduates from college this afternoon. He’ll be moving on to another city, probably on Sunday. The last chick to leave the nest - well, he’s not lived under our roof for several years, but he’s been right here in town. Change.

My oldest child is within the 2 week window of expecting his second child. They live 8 hours away, so I don’t see them nearly as much as I would like. And although their lives changed a lot in one year with a wedding and baby and a new job in a new town, it’s about to change again.

And in the middle, my daughter and her husband are in the process of moving. They both have jobs in the new location, but they still have a house to sell (Anyone looking to buy in Northport AL?), so they split their time between locations. He’s been at his new job for several months, she for about two weeks. Constant change.

And so, it was nice to sit last night, with the graduate and his girlfriend, the daughter and son-in-law, JP and myself (and the 4 dogs that are associated with all these folks) and listen to the conversation. To eat hamburgers and beer. To watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games. It was so nice to hear the banter between these “children” (who are old enough to have children of their own) share and argue a bit and just be together.

It seems maybe we did something right over the past 30 years… but, really - maybe we are just blessed through no fault of our own.

Tags: acceptance, gratitude, life

This afternoon it stormed. About 5, I was trying to finish up and leave the office and the power flickered a bit. I didn’t pay much attention until I got up to go. I don’t actually have windows, but there are some across the room from me, so when I turned to leave I saw a grey wall of water. Hmmm… no umbrella.

And then when I got home, I walked out back. It’s so amazing after the rain. The zinnias in my neighbors yard were so bright against the bright green leaves. The sky was still a bit grey but the color of the blooms was magnificent. A world washed clean by the rain. So shiny and alive. So bright against a still dull sky.

Some days, life is like that: bright colors standing up proud against a humdrum background. Thanks God for the flowers.

Tags: life, mindfulness

I was over at Creo en Dios! a few days ago catching up (I’ve been away at a conference). I took the time to listen to Susan’s latest podcast, Myth’s We Live With. I’m so glad that Susan took the time to create this and post it. When she gave the retreat, I must admit to a bit of unhappiness that I wouldn’t be a participant. I wanted to hear the part about “I am not my personality.” And, now, I get the podcast. Yeah!

I am not my personality

Just what might that mean? I’ve chewed on it for months now. And, in listening to the podcast, I suddenly had an image that made sense. I’ve got to reframe the issue in what might seem a minor way, but it is so enormous in the understanding. If I feel fear, or anger or even compassion those emotions are not me - they tell me something about my current situation.  It’s another one of those statements that has take me years to begin to comprehend.

The image that shines out is the idea that the personality (how I appear outwardly) as a sort of a cast - a temporary cast, I hope. That outward expression (personality) is in many ways a protection for those places where I am most vulnerable and most unsure. It seems that indeed, this cast is a transitional form. I’ve seen it change as I have walked this journey and come to know and trust myself more. My response to situations and people has changed.

Or so I thought — until I got a verbal “dope-slap” the other day. Yanked me right up, made me very uncomfortable, elicited a response of my own of “I don’t like you right now.” But wait – I survived, I am still here. I could look at what was said, accept it (or not), listen to how I felt, and go on. I haven’t obsessed over someone else viewing clearly the imperfect way I deal with life (in the past this sort of thing would have caused anxiety and sleepless nights).

Hmmm… maybe some of cast is ready to be removed.

Tags: acceptance, growth, healing

OK - so I’ll borrow from today’s homily: choices. After Jesus tells the parables, he asks “Do you understand these things?” and the disciples answer “yes.” And Jesus tells them they must make a choice. We were then challenged: When will you own your own Christianity? (and not come to church because someone else thinks you should)… Will you make the choice to take ownership of your faith. (apologies Jack, if I got this all wrong)

Oh, but I so often, just when I think I could answer “Yes, I understand” it’s really that I don’t understand. If I’d really understood, I’m not sure I’d have gotten married, or had my first child. It would have scared me too much to go through with being baptized (I was 13) had I understood more than I did. It would have been beyond me to say “yes” if I’d had that much understanding before I stepped out and took action.

Of late, the scriptures have touched me in ways that make me understand that I just didn’t understand before. That’s kind of scary, because, if I follow the logic, then I probably don’t understand yet… or rather, I will likely come to a new understanding as I follow this walk. I’m beginning to appreciate that all I can understand is that a “Yes” means only that I understand that what comes next will work to good without any real comprehension of what might be required of me.

And so, I sat this morning and wondered just what those disciples thought they understood. And, what did they think later when they reflected on the choice they made?

Tags: acceptance, choices, faith

Before this week, I’ve always interpreted this parable as referring to the good people and bad people. Somehow, looking at it now, I’m not so sure it’s about people at all. Or it doesn’t have to be, anyway.

This week has been one of those where I would like have crossed up the wheat and the weeds in my life. In the moment of being the object of someone’s fury, I would have pulled that sucker out as a weed for sure. Bad. Bad. Bad. But, at the same time I learned some very positive things about myself.

Or, someone close to me who had to confess to a mess he’d made and finally get brave enough to say “I need your help.” A young man trying to grow up and having to swallow his pride. How do you pull out the weeds without also dislodging the wheat?

And so, I’ll accept that the sun shines and the rain falls on both wheat and weeds. Until they mature, you really can’t tell enough to sort them correctly. Once things mature, the whole picture becomes more clear. What seemed to be a bitter weed has produced the most amazing kernel of wheat.

Tags: growth, judgement