Looking at yesterday’s post, and considering today’s email that I get from Richard Rohr — Today, the email talks about standing naked before God being somewhat like standing naked before your lover and knowing that you are loved despite imperfections or an aging body. I look at my eternal circle and realized that each time I make the complete circle, I am able to undress a bit more, and know a bit more deeply that I am loved.
Let’s go ’round again.
I find myself considering how to write to my daughter and son-in-law. This is good — not bad, mind you.
After spending a few days with them and their tiny, new daughter, I returned home with a couple of strong impressions. Daddy looks at his tiny daughter and declares repeatedly “She’s perfect! Absolutely PERFECT.” How I want him to remember this and know in his full being that this is exactly how God sees him (as well as her.) My daughter told her grandmother that she is “so in love” with the baby. How I want her to know that God holds her in the same light.
The new family is doing well. Planning for the new one’s baptism… already have a crucifix installed over her bedroom door. And, so in love with her. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every child were held in such awe? Wouldn’t the world be such a better place? Wouldn’t it help to point us to the Love of God in our lives? Wow.
I read a lot were authors and teachers tell me that “God is madly in love with me.” — I believe it at one level. I’m not sure I have that experience at a gut level.
Yesterday, I was watching and listening my daughter talk to her grandmother on the phone… I was holding the newest generation – my granddaughter. I hear my child almost exclaim – “Oh, Grandma, she’s so perfect! I’m so in love with her!” And I felt that I had a glimpse of what those teachers are trying to tell me. This tiny child, come into the world a couple of weeks early — so loved and so viewed as perfection.
I am in awe.
Just because I don’t make myself post here, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking and praying. It is better for me when I do, because it forces me to focus and wrap words around the things that go on in my head and heart. Writing is clarifying. Writing is stepping into where I am and taking a long hard look. But, it is at times difficult. It shows me things that maybe I don’t want to know.
So, what does that have to do with duct tape? Duct tape is like “the Force” – it has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together. And that idea of two-edged swords has been on my mind of late as I transition from full-time, 8-5 employment into this place where I work on my own time and have to reset my schedules. This is a good thing. I find that I am enjoying it immensely. I find that I am much more at peace with myself and the world around me. I find that in many ways I am more productive (at least from my point of view). And, I find that I am concerned that maybe I’m not pulling my share of the load financially or that I have to shape up some of my spending habits. I have to rediscover what things I consider most important in my daily life and find the discipline to follow through with it.
All things in this world come with pluses and minuses. Food — required to live, but too much or too little is not healthy. Exercise – lifting weights builds muscle, but it does so by tearing some down and then rebuilding. Prayer — that one is a bit scary at times… because if I truly listen I am called to change, and don’t let anyone kid you – real change is dying and being reborn.
I think of my children and grandchildren. Each one is a separate, wonderful being. The one that has caused the deepest grief is the one who’s excitement and exuberance in living life can also bring the biggest smile. The one who had no friends at 12 has a circle of friends that circles the globe. The one that often baffled me because we learn so differently is now so close to my heart.
I’m back to duct tape — that shiny, slick side and the sticky white side. Very different, but inseparable — and one must accept both before it can do its work.
It’s one of THOSE days — where all the negative keeps pushing to the surface. All those issues I thought I had dealt with and put down keep trying to get back on board. It’s not like I can say I’m being persecuted for righteousness sake — that would be a lie.
That said, I’ll just go forward, one foot in front of the other. I will remind myself that Love is a decision that may or may not be accompanied by a good feeling. I will remind myself that emotions are not controllable — they are what they are and they often have something to tell me about where I am. But, they are not me. Let me say that again to myself: my emotions are not Me. They might be a part of Me, but they are not ME.
OK — so, maybe Day 2 will be a bit more smooth.