Yesterday’s readings (5th Sunday of Ordinary Time, Isaiah 6:1-2.3-8, First Corinthians 15:1-11, Luke 5:1-11) reinforced for me the understanding that God takes the first step. Fr. Jack wandered into the memories, for Cradle Catholics, of confession as a child: 7 year old knew they were sinners – Sister told them so. I didn’t have this experience – but as a child in calvinist protestant tradition, I certainly got the message that if you did something wrong, God would get you. It has taken me a whole lot of growth to understand that it is entirely possible to look at someone who is a total mess, who has made a real hash of life, and still feel in the bottom of my heart – ” I love you!” and offer the words, hug and smile to make that understood.
As I listened to the readings, and the homily, I just kept hearing that the characters (Isaiah, Paul, Peter and his buddies) only really understood how far off the mark they were until God/Jesus reached out and touched them first. Especially Isaiah and Paul were fine until they found themselves face to face with the Ultimate Reality. Both pull back — stay away! I’m not good enough! and God says – “I love you. Now, go out and tell the world!”
Br. David Steindl-Rast (Gratefulness.org) would prefer to use the terms “belonging” and “separation” instead of “salvation” and “sin.” I quite agree. When we see perfection, we realize our imperfections – and our separation. Sinfulness. Then, and maybe only then, can we be drawn into belonging and wholeness. It’s a bit like a Twelve Step program: before you even get to step 1, you have to somehow be aware that there is a different way to live.
It’s not enough to stop with the realization that life can be different. It’s easy to be paralyzed by that, true. But, God calls me to accept the Love and myself, and move on – set out on the road – get on with a mission. Use it or lose it!
Tags: gratefulness, love
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Yesterday I went home at lunchtime not feeling great. Thought I’d lie down and nap for a few minutes. How did that work? I woke up 3 hours later, still not feeling so great.
As I would wake up briefly at intervals yesterday, I found these words always rolling through my mind (from Bernadette Farrell’s Oh God, You Search Me and You Know Me)
When I walk or lie down You are beside me…
In every moment of life and death You are
Actually very comforting on a rainy, grey afternoon when your whole body is aching and your stomach is doing flip-flops. Perhaps this is a glimpse of praying always. To wake up and realize that in every moment of life and death, God Is.
It’s a glimpse at YAHWEH – or I AM.
Good to remember.
Tags: prayer
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I just finished Anne Rice’s Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt a couple of days ago. An interesting read. I’m not sure I would have derived the same story were I writing a fictional recollection of this period of the life of Jesus of Nazareth, but she does a wonderful job of giving insight into what it is like to begin to discover oneself… especially as a child. And especially as a child where people are reticent to give you some of the information.
It’s quite hard to explain — the best thing is to read it yourself and ponder how each of us learns who we are from within and without.
Tags: growth, journeying
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I think I need a new wine skin. As I move through this time of transition (changed cars, change from full-time employee to retiree/self employed, grandmother-to-be again, shifts in friendships) the patches on this old cloak, and this old wine skin are getting rather problematic. The new cloth isn’t matching up to the old.
The only other way to I see to find my way through is some sort of meltdown. This could be good – melt things down, or bring the pot to a slow boil. Then, skim off the scum and keep that good stuff that I can work with. Distillation as it were. Not 100% effective, but a way to visualize letting go of the unnecessary, a way to put down the no longer needed baggage and find the freedom to be recreated.
Put that way, it sounds rather exciting. So, I think I’ll put it that way.
Tags: new birth
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I haven’t checked to see if TNT or TBS is running the movie “Ground Hog Day” 24×7 – or until we get it right – but this is the day. It’s halfway between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox. It’s the Feast of the Presentation of the Lord, as well. In the movie, the day repeats over and over – trying to get things right. In the church, the prescriptions of the Law are fulfilled, and Simeon is at peace because he has seen the Messiah, and knows that everything is right.
And, here at my desk, I try to sit and understand how it all fits together. On a rainy, overcast February morning, in this time halfway between the dark of winter and the promise of spring, I am given the knowledge that even while I see indistinctly in the mirror, all is well. Isn’t that so much of life? While we watch for Pauxatawny (sp?) Phil to predict the time of the coming of spring, we still know that spring is coming… life, buried underground will sprout and grow.
I will sit in this time between dark and light and know that deep within God reminds me of the words that so often put things into perspective: All shall be well; All manner of things shall be well.
Tags: hope
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Yesterday I noticed that a single friend was attired in a clothing with an impending “wardrobe failure.” That would be a seam by a pocket that was coming loose. Not something he had noticed, not essential to existence, by any means. I poked fun at him saying he “needed a wife.” That’s not an option for him, and he responded that he simply needed someone to cook and sew.
Maybe, it’s more a matter of needing a “keeper.” We all need one – I do, for sure. You know, someone to function as wife/mother to look at use lovingly before we face the world each day and say – “Are you wearing that?” (or “You’re not going out like that, are you!?” Someone to tuck in tags, check for rips and tears, someone to see us clearly where we are.
Guess that’s a bit of what God does for me, if I take the time in the morning to pray and be quiet. If I am open to his/her gaze she will show me the things that need attention. And it will be done in a loving way… If you ware going out into the world, at least know that the tag might be hanging out, or the shoes scuffed, the temper a bit on edge. Someone to remind me that I am loved.
De Colores!
Tags: love, prayer
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A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were talking and he mentioned something he had read or heard about the difficulties of understanding the various ways of expressing love. Some talk, some do. It seems I’m married to a “do-er” as it were. I’ve tried watching carefully for the past week of two to see if I can understand this. Interesting trial.
He does. He went to Walmart for something, and while there, hunted down a cable I needed for my iPod so that I could use it in the car — 2 cables, it turned out. In the past, he bought me a 12-string guitar for my birthday (one I had looked at, played and liked very much.) He calls on his way home from school (he’s a teacher so he’s off earlier than I) to see if there is anything needed at the store. There are more things that he does. Many more.
This is not my preferred communication method. It’s hard to see it. It requires work on my part to pay attention enough to see that this is his way of caring. I am much more in tune to to talking, sharing, emotion. That I understand that without so much work. But, I think this might be impossible for him.
This weekend the second reading for mass proclaims that love is the most important. Perhaps it is not only important to love, but also important to try to understand and accept the sometimes cryptic way others attempt to love us.
Tags: acceptance, caring, love
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I’m retiring — well, I retiring from my “day job” at Auburn. Not happening until the first of April, but it seems it’s happening. It is not lost on my friends that my first day as a retiree will be April Fool’s Day (and I have an 8 am dentist appointment, to boot.)
The questions begin: “What are you going to do?”
I have lots of answers ready at hand. I’m going to be able to go to the gym in the mornings! At 8, which might happen, instead of 5:30am, which is not happening. I’ll be able to head up the road to Birmingham to visit more often — this is important since the 3rd grandchild is scheduled to make his/her appearance in Birmingham the first of June. I’m planning on having more energy available for my second and third jobs — mostly web development for the Vincentian Family and anybody else who would like to compensate me for the work. I’d like to actually learn to speak and understand Spanish, make the Pilgrimage to San Juan Compostela, hike parts of the Appalachian trail, spend time with my granddaughters in Florida (and go the zoo – I love zoos!), make some quilts and visit my friends in NY.
Plans! We all have them. It remains to be seen how many of these will come to pass. Mostly, I hope to live well, grow in faith and appreciate the life I have.
Tags: hope, journey
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The other night my husband was watching one of the science channels. The show was about physics. Is light a particle? Or is light a wave? And the answer is “Yes.” I don’t understand the math or the physics beyond the simple idea that relativity and quantum physics are mathematically incompatible. I understand that understanding light fully will require a “third way” – and the candidate is string theory. Something that will make two incompatible explanations work…
Incompatible ideas, dreams and hopes seem to be a part of everyday human existence. Yesterday I saw it in myself again. I sat face to face with a dream or hope that seems so incompatible with my reality and other dreams and hopes I have. To follow one fully seems to require leaving the other behind. And yet, I find I must hold both within in me. Both are precious. I seek a “third way.”
I struggle to understand and to accept that things that I feel are in such conflict. I struggle to find a way through the narrow, twisty maze of passages that is my journey. I find a part of my answer in the second reading for mass this weekend. It’s that passage from i Corinthians 13 on Love that is used so often at weddings. We all know it: love is patient, love is kind… It’s then end of that passage that speaks to me:
Love never fails.
If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing;
if tongues, they will cease;
if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.
For we know partially and we prophesy partially,
but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
When I was a child, I used to talk as a child,
think as a child, reason as a child;
when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror,
but then face to face.
At present I know partially;
then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
So faith, hope, love remain, these three;
but the greatest of these is love.
It seems that Love is the glue that binds. Love is the “string theory” of life. Love is the way through the twisty little passages. Love will allow me a way to hold my conflicts within me and know that there is a way to be true to myself and my creator.
Now the mystery becomes Love. How do I begin to grasp that one?
Tags: conflict, discernment, love
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Time flies by and I fail to take the time to post. But, it’s raining, and I have just completed the formation weekend for the Women’s Cursillo to be held in March at Holy Trinity. And, I’ve had to take time to think and write, as I am giving a rollo (talk) on Action – apostolic action.
These talks present me with problems at times. I find myself on a different page of the book than the outline for the talk seems to come from. This time wasn’t so tough as the other talk I gave a few years ago. But, still — it pushes my comfort zone edges to do this. And, that is a fine thing to do.
Of late, I’ve taking actions that force me out of the comfort zone. I’ve put in the paper work to retire from the University, effective April 1. Now, that is stepping out of a zone that is familiar, if not always comfortable. After more than 25 years it will be quite a change. One that evokes both excitement and anxiety. I can set my own schedule. I can take on projects that I want. I can be free to visit my children and grandchildren. How will I keep myself from turning into a bon-bon eating couch potato? Can I find enough contract work to fill the gap between my current salary and my retirement “pension”? I look forward to the chance and the change. I fear that I will make a miserable mess of the whole thing.
That said, preparing the talk on action seems opportune. The Holy Spirit seems to know her business quite well. I am forced to wrap words around ideas. I am called to action, as it were. What I hear in my quiet time with God, what I learn from my reading and study, I must turn into action. If I sit with God, if I am present in my relationship with Jesus, then I must reflect what I learn, what I know, in my daily walk. Reaching out to others. Listening to those who need an ear. Allocating a part of my income to help a friend who is struggling and coming up with a whole lot more month than money. Sharing of myself to draw others in to prayer when I lead music at mass. Continuing to do my best at a job where I am truly a lame duck.
Stepping out of the comfort zone is scary — and invigorating. And, a call to action.
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