Eyes on the Prize
Today’s Gospel relates the story of Jesus walking on the water… more to what it means to me, it relates the story of Peter learning that he is a lot more safe and better off if he keeps his eyes on Jesus and doesn’t start second guessing himself.
The priest started down the road of Peter being designated as the Rock, and that his example is to keep his focus on Yahweh — on I AM. And, it strikes me that we, as Catholics, get it wrong many times. What I see in the gospel lesson is to keep my focus on Jesus/I AM/God. Peter is a great example of that. What I don’t see is that I should keep my focus on Peter (or JPII or Benedict).
Just my take on it.
You Look Like Yourself
This morning I ran into a friend that I haven’t seen in a while. He observed (much to my delight) that I have lost weight. I’ve dropped a bit over 30 lbs at this point, so it’s really nice to have someone notice. I thanked him for telling me. And then he said something interesting: “Looks good. You look like yourself.”
Say what?
I paused to think on that. It seems to make sense now. When you begin to get to a place physically and emotionally that is approximating “right” — I think perhaps you do start to “look like yourself.” I’ve gotten rid of some of that padding that might have been useful to hide behind. I spent a very long time working at being comfortable with who I am emotionally and spiritually… it’s often not easy for some of us to see and experience our own emotions and situations without running and hiding.
So — I think this is good. I rather like the idea of looking like myself. Even if that self has flaws, gets angry for reasons that are difficult to suss out and still carries a bit too much padding.
Focus? Or Naming the Demons?
A couple of weeks ago we caught most of an NPR NOW (sirius radio 122) broadcast of “Relaxed Focus” with David Allen (http://humanmedia.org) as we drove down I-81 (through the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia). He had some interesting ideas.
Perhaps I can get better at organizing stuff, deciding what needs to be done with something and then letting go until I am in a place to deal with it. Sounds good. Sounds even better to decide whether I want to keep getting email from certain lists that require my attention or should I just unsubscribe and be done with it. It sounds good to get control of “stuff” that can clog the brain/mind and free up the mind to be present in the moment.
As I listened, I found myself thinking how nice it is when I get things cleaned up, named, organized, and put out of my mind. I thought of the times in my life when I felt overwhelmed and immobilized because I couldn’t even decide what action I wanted to take. My mind would race all night. I would wake up and be unable to quiet my mind. One technique that helped was to drag out rosary beads. As I started a decade, instead of meditating on a prescribed mystery, I would name one of the issues that wouldn’t leave me alone and hand it over to Mary or Jesus or God (depended on how I felt); by the end of a decade, I could often let go of that one thing; then, I repeat the process with the next thought/problem that was racing through my head; over and over until I could sleep for a bit. Using rosary beads freed me up from any kind of counting — just repeat Hail Mary until my fingers told me I was done with the particular thought.
And so, I do understand the joy of organizing things, deciding on an action and relying on a system to tell me when I was done, or ready to move to the next thing. This frees me up to deal with other, larger, issues. But, it’s not just letting go that helps. Naming the problem/issue/desire means that I no longer let it control me. There is a certain release in a “tag and bag” approach to those mundane things that have to be done.
Now, it’s been well over a week since I listened to that radio show and this week I find myself in Nike mode: Just Do It! That applies to little things like sweeping the hall, mopping the foyer, pitching the mail. Not big stuff, but getting it decided on and done certainly helps make room for more serious or intense thought. I think I’ll try to stick with it.
A hole in my soul
There is a hole in my existence that opens up on occasion and sends me to a deep place. This place often strikes me as dark, but not always.
We drove in to New England a couple of days ago. That empty space opened up in me. It felt something like the way I feel when I cross into the panhandle of Florida. It is there, but less intense when I cross in to Florida not in the panhandle, or when I turn south headed to Gulf Shores. It feels the same when I head in to the mountains. The sea and the mountains seem to open this place up in me.
What I can’t quite decide it what that feeling is beyond longing. Is it my awareness of God? I mean the presence of God in nature. Or is it a longing just to be one with that nature? We had XM radio set to Margaritaville when it hit… Specifically Jimmy was singing the song that starts “Father, Father Ocean…”. It was dedicated to Jacques Cousteau. A great, deep melancholy settled in. Is that a sort of sadness that I am separated from the ocean/mountains? Is it a part of me sad at the awareness that I am separated?
I live inland — where the Piedmont Plateau meets the Coastal Plain. Not coastal, not mountains. Not urban, not country. Often my life is like my geography. I am often complacent about my current status. I know that I am not growing, not being transformed and I like the comfort of the status quo.
This longing for something as I approach the ocean or the mountains seems to call out to me. And I sit with that call and try to listen. I both love and despise this feeling. It is uncomfortable and it feels sad. And at the same time it calls me to open up to live life at its fullest and experience things that are extremely fulfilling, but not so safe and protected.
For a few days I will have the chance to walk by the ocean and feel its power. At the same time I will be surrounded by family. And I will know that it is “a good thing” to be willing to walk into those wild places because I am surrounded by love.
Wonderful Bad News
This morning one of the members of my Cursillo reunion group announced that she has to leave the group. Of course, our first reaction was “NOT ALLOWED.” But then we listened to her fill in the blanks… and it was good news and bad.
The bad of course is that one of our close knit group won’t be joining us each week. She feels that she does this just for herself (we aren’t so sure about that, as she is a vital part of the whole and makes wonderful contributions). AAARRGGH! Why?
The Good News is that she has taken the step of acting on a call to serve others. She will be joining the local Vincent de Paul Society and working with them — and they need her at the same time our group meets. She has been wrestling with this… we can tell. I rejoice in her growing to this point. I am glad she has found a call and is willing to follow it.
Change is constant. Change never seems to be easy. Another member is leaving for a month in California because of her mother with Alzheimers. It’s hard to have her gone. Another is in the throes of moving to another state to be closer to family. She has no family left here in town and knows that is is the right decision to move closer to her daughter(s). She is a bit stressed, but seems confident that this is indeed the right move. Another is facing a health challenge. All sorts of changes in my cozy little world.
Lord, let me walk trusting that You are the Way, that You have a plan, that You are with me, and that all shall be well. All manner of things shall be well.