There was a grand explosion of tension at work yesterday. In the middle of what I thought was an open discussion concerning the reworking of our network (web server(s), database server, SAMBA server, new boxes etc), I thought I was asking questions when one of the guys exploded. I took a direct, verbal hit. Wham! I could see the faces of the 2 other guys in the conversation expressing “duck and cover” – after a couple of what my shrink would call “repair attempts” I just walked away.

It’s emotionally distressing to be slammed out of the blue – the response from my co-worker (Deryck) seems erratic and unreasonable. I have reviewed the situation in my mind, and it occurred to me that perhaps I owed him an apology – but for what? I asked Chris about it after lunch (he had lunch with Deryck) and he was a bit dodgy, but when pressed is response was “I think you were asking questions and they weren’t being heard that way.” I even asked how I might have presented the questions in such a way that they would be taken that way, and he said he’d have to think about it… his only real statement was “You and Deryck need to talk.” I can buy that! The other participant, Jon, asked if I was OK – and said that Deryck felt bad about it, and had apologized to him. Meanwhile, Deryck had left to take his adorable, little daughter to the doc.

And so, I have the weekend to mull this over. The only apology I could think to make was to apologize for “being” – and I really can’t do that. It makes me wonder what else was/is going on with Deryck that none of the rest of us knew about.

On the bright side, I’m not sinking into depression over it. It’s taken years of work and therapy, but I am comfortable enough with myself not to just run and hide, to allow myself a couple of tears of pain and frustration, and be open to trying to understand just what role I played in the explosion. I just hope things are ok in Deryck’s life.

This didn’t write up very well – so just sign me off as “Clueless” —