That is my husband’s take on both head banging and jogging… and it seems to be true of hurting in any form.

Of late, it seems that I am seeing a more gentle, open side of my husband. He’s been talking more, he seems to take things less seriously — or at more with acceptance, rather than resignation. And I don’t know what’s happening. Could it simply be the new son-in-law, and soon to be daughter-in-law? or the potential of becoming a grandparent? Or is it reading/praying the readings in the Magnificat each morning?

I just don’t know… is it me? am I finally able to see this side of him?

Whatever, I am realizing how badly I hurt for a long, long time. And when the hurt starts going away steadily, then Wow! One begins to realize how it stayed in place for so long.

Is this a healing? Is this what Jesus promised? I learn to forgive, even a little, and get healed in the process? I learn to fire up my boundary defenses, and then I can open them up a bit? What is clear is that I now see that for a long time the only emotion I could sense was anger, and now I can begin to sense joy, happiness, a bit of love.

Someone outside of me will have to diagnose whether my sense of fear and anger was a bit of paranoia, or something more grounded in fact. I know that not feeling afraid is a good place to be. I know that I was hurting a lot longer and a lot deeper than I knew at the time. And, that the healing seems to be very much like that old image of peeling an onion. Some days, though, I’m not sure I want to take off another layer.