by Liz | Apr 13, 2008 | main
Last night my laptop got so confused. It couldn’t use its backup disk – I could point it to the backup, and mount the drive, and look at the files, but the poor little MacBookPro just couldn’t seem to understand. Finally, I had to reboot, let it forget some stuff and start over again. Then everything worked beautifully once more.
That’s rather like my relationship with God. I read articles, I follow blogs, I go to retreat days, I deal with people around me, things go good or bad with work or church or family. I get so many ideas going that they can get twisted up and very confusing.
Reboot.
Get quiet and let go of all of these things. Go back to the basics: go back to the relationship and start at the beginning, start at the heart. Listen to the words of Jesus in the scriptures. Listen to the prophets and the stories. Sit with the Lord and just be in the presence of God. Then and only then will the other stuff sort itself out and begin to make sense and begin to work properly once more.
The OS on a computer is like the foundation of faith. It relies on the hardware, but it controls the way that the hardware is used and what is can and will do. There are times when patches must be applied to correct some ways it works, or protect from evil entrusions. And very often, these patches won’t really take effect until the machine is rebooted – restarted clean.
When I have to reboot it’s a clean start with the basic assumptions in place. It might happen after reconciliation: wipe things clean, reload, restart with a cleared cache. It might happen just in prayer by myself. Or it might happen just after a great insight (there we go – patch the system and reboot).
This morning I had to reboot. Alleluia!
by Liz | Apr 12, 2008 | main
Today was Retreat Day for the current Women’s Cursillo team and the theme was no surprise to me (I know the retreat master.) First, we were presented with the concept that we are meant to be “human beings” – and too often we are just “human doings.” Then we were presented with Brother Lawrence and practicing the presence of God.
My thoughts are really random on this. The things that stuck included: If I can Be in the presence of God, the doing will come. Or in my reworked Cursillo terms: Pray (Be in God’s presence), Study to understand better those things that have been revealed in prayer and then the Doing will happen.
So often, trying to sit and create a post for this blog brings the presence of God in my daily activities and relationships into sharp focus. I sit to write and often struggle for an idea. And then, as I consider what I might write about, I begin to see God in everything. Just as I am made aware of the presence of God on Wednesday mornings at breakfast as we reflect on our past week.
And, just as several women today observed, this practice is sometimes helped by reminders. For me, knowing that I made a decision to try to write daily, my reminder comes when I sit to compose a post. For another woman, the clock tower at her university rings out every half hour and she uses that to stop and take a moment to practice. Another has a reminder in her email that sends a note “TTJ” (talk to Jesus) that pops up periodically.
But then there was Brother Lawrence who made this practice such a part of himself that he was equally aware of being in God’s presence in the kitchen, scrubbing pots and pans as he was when he was sent to chapel to pray. It mattered not to him.
In my life, it still matters — I am still distracted by the hubbub around me, or the tension in relationships between people or the pressures to “get ‘er done!” Lord, help me to be able to practice Your presence more and more often.
by Liz | Apr 11, 2008 | main
The first reading today is the story of Paul on the road to Damascus. Paul knocked to the ground, having a vision and becoming blind. Paul making a sharp turn in his life and going from persecuting the followers of the Way to becoming one of them.
Today, the person who jumped out at me in that story was Ananias. The Lord told Ananias to go see Saul – the one who was known to be doing everything in his power to rub out everything that Ananias held dear. After a bit of reminding the Lord just who Saul was, Ananias says “OK”, goes to Saul and lays hands on him and prays over him. The story says that the scales fell from Paul’s eyes and he regained his sight.
Whoa! Ananias must have had to resort to walking with a lot of faith to follow that order. I mean, he had all the evidence before him that this Saul was surely out to do him harm. And Saul didn’t exactly land on his doorstep either – he had to get up and go to the street called Straight, and ask for Saul. And then he had to pray over/with him.
I don’t like it when I’m called to do something even remotely like this. I don’t like having to give up my vision of another person (especially one I think is persecuting me) and reach out to them. It’s my right to feel scared and harried and persecuted and self-righteous and protect myself!
Or is it?
by Liz | Apr 11, 2008 | main
Funny how thoughts run in packs… I’m listening to Richard Rohr remind me that Christianity is about relationship, and staying in the relationship and not about doing it all perfectly. And then I go over to Creo en Dios! and see Susan’s post The Best That I Could and she’s talking about doing “the best I could with what I have/had.”
I never expect to be perfect. I am disappointed that I am not perfect, but I don’t expect it. The hard thing for me to accept so often is that sometimes I actually did the best I could with what I had or knew at the time. Most of the time I’m pretty sure I still could have done better. I’m sure I didn’t live up to what I could have done at the time.
This all brings back a time years ago when I went searching for the times when I was brave. “Brave” means doing what I knew was right, even when it scared me to do it. I think I came up with 2 or 3 times out of 45 years at the time. Ugh! That’s not much of a track record.
One of those times was in my kitchen, with my sister and her family and my neighbors who were suggesting that my husband join the local Elks Club. Bravery took over as I declared I wouldn’t stand for it because that was a racist group that didn’t allow blacks to join or even visit. A hush fell over the room. I felt like crawling under the table to escape. Wonder of wonders, the neighbors are still friends, and my sister still speaks to me.
Bravery isn’t my strong suit. I can find too many other instances where I just caved or slithered away.
It has taken a lot of work to learn to love myself, even a little bit, because I still think I should have been able to handle things better. No matter I didn’t have many tools to work with at times. The best thing that has come of this work is more tolerance for the shortcomings of others. If I can love me when I don’t do the best I think I can and allow myself to be loved through it, then somehow maybe I can love others when they fall short.
by Liz | Apr 9, 2008 | main
I had a birthday last week. Another year added to my age. That doesn’t really bother me much – I certainly don’t feel my age very often, so the years are basically irrelevant. But then I look around at my friends and family, and suddenly realize that time is moving on.
Occasionally it seems ok to consider one’s mortality. To look at dreams and accept that some might still be within reach, and others not so much. One of my dreams is to hike the Appalachian Trail and another is to run a marathon (I don’t even have a time goal on that one – just finish without dying.) Hmmm… they must not be too vivid, because I haven’t actually done much toward achieving them.
Some of my dreams have to do with relationships – and I have control over only part of those dreams.
I suppose what brought me round to this line pondering was watching my mother and her cousin last night. They are getting on up in years. They’ve had snow white hair for decades (premature grey runs in that family) but somehow they seemed a bit more fragile. I hope I look half as good 20+ years from now when I’m that age, mind you. But still, something seemed to hammer at me.
Maybe it’s the renegotiating of relationships. With Mama moving to town, I’ve seen more of my sister in 3 weeks than I have in 3 years. This march onward, this journey is ever changing, but right now, it seems to be changing way too fast for me.
Or maybe it’s the other direction – my sister’s children are both getting married in the next 3 months. So, there are more shifts in relationships. My son and his wife are expecting a second daughter to arrive in August. That will make 2 granddaughters and I wish to be able to spend more time with the new generation.
It’s probably both.
And so, I meditate on those things that can anchor me as I feel tossed on these waves. I remember that when I was in a bad time that I always knew, just knew, that God would catch me if I would allow it. So, now that it’s not so much rough seas, but just moving along at an alarming clip, I need to remember that God will still catch me, if I only allow it.
