by Liz | Nov 27, 2005 | main
I had a moment today where I was in a delicate balance: it seemed that on the one hand, I feel in the “wrong” place and on the other, I know that I can persevere when things are uneasy.
That “wrong” place is a fairly nebulous feeling right now. It’s a sense of “not quite right” more than anything else. I don’t wish harm for any one or anything. I do want good for those around me. And yet, at times, it seems that I am being pushed somewhere else. Not sure where that is… is it a different geographic locale? a different living situation? or a different attitude to the present location and circumstance.
Is it a reaction to so many changes in a relatively short time? Is it a reaction to not changing some things for far too long?
I find myself needing closer emotional connections. I find that this is difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish in some of my relationships. So – do I move on? do I hurl myself in full force and see what happens? How to get past the belief that it won’t change?
At mass this morning, Fr. Marty talked about Advent being a time of watching so that we can be ready to serve – ready to imitate the Christ child. Be Alert! And, it struck me that little things add up when you are alert. Helping a physically challenged man try to light his cigarette in a windy parking lot; talking with a gentleman in the Walmart as he asked questions about whether or not he needed to put something under the candles he was buying when he burned them. (we ran into each other several times in the store). Picking angels from the Angel Tree at church. Just being present.
by Liz | Nov 11, 2005 | main
It’s probably pretty obvious to the rest of the world – just not to me. It took an “aha!”
First – I have to decide that being at peace with myself and my God is the goal.
Then, I become willing to do what is necessary to make that happen…
and I can proceed to the place that no longer says “If he would just to this, I could be happy” or “If she acted/felt this way, I could be happy.” I can’t control he or she, nor should I.
One thing I surely need to do is practice so that I can learn to get these thoughts down in sentences that make sense. I’m not sure why that is so difficult. The images are clear in my mind, but refuse to have words wrapped around them.
by Liz | Aug 16, 2005 | Reading List
Henri Nouwen
Just started it – but I’m over half done. This one will take some rereading I’m sure.
by Liz | Aug 16, 2005 | main
Use words only when necessary…. St. Francis of Assisi.
These words ran all over me while visiting the Franciscan Monastery in Kinnebunkport ME early one evening in July. We were walking the grounds with another couple (my husband’s cousin and his wife), and the questions began to flow.
She said – “I’m not sure what this is.” as we approached the outdoor Stations of the Cross.
“It’s the Stations…” I answered. But, as she didn’t know what that meant, we started with “It tells the story of the crucifiction.”
We walked around the stations, giving the general idea of each as the story unfolded. And then he says – “But I don’t understand why they wanted to kill him.” and I begin to sweat inside a bit as I try to find the words to express what I believe – without being preachy, or talking down or assuming more background than was there.
But more than that I felt another struggle. On the surface, these folks were asking questions about the Catholic Church. But, I couldn’t shake the idea that what needed saying was something that spoke to Faith, and Love and spirituality that underpins these traditions. And then again, maybe the questions just were the ones about the practices and traditions and stories. I didn’t want to head off in a direction on my own. I tried to listen and respond to the questions asked. I tried not to be so surprised that someone that I think was baptized as a Catholic could grow up without some of the basic ideas of the Church (but I was later informed that his family didn’t really go to church except with gramma on holidays).
And, I’m not sure what was going thru JP’s mind. He explains things succinctly and efficiently. I never detect what feelings might be underneath the words. But that’s another issue, for another day, and far out of reach of anything I would put in a public place.
I’m home now — it was a lovely evening in spite of being skeeter food. I’m still praying and discerning. Do I send a Bible and a note suggesting that he read through the New Testament and see if he can figure it out for himself? I’m not sure. I do know that I want to keep the dialog open. If these are seekers, then I want to help open doors.
For now, I’m reading Henri Nouwen’s “Life of the Beloved” – which I found on the bookshelf last night. I think it might just guide me to some answers.
And perhaps I can find those words when they are needed.
by Liz | Jun 2, 2005 | main
I’ve been thinking about this — I want to live life to the fullest (isn’t that the promise of Jesus?). But, I have to get along with others as well — you know, the live in community bit. And so, I wonder “At what point do I decide that a situation or a relationship that isn’t bad, just OK, is OK?”
Last night we had a mass for 3 deceased loved ones of some of the members of our local Cursillo community. It was at the larger of the 2 Catholic Churches in the area. I am a parishioner at the other. The music was borderline passable – they stuck a list of songs under my nose at the last minute, and said “can you lead these?” – Had I known ahead of time, I could have brought my guitar and done a very presentable job of it. The homily was pleasant – nothing to argue with. But, as nice as the pastor is, he just doesn’t get under my skin like our pastor. He didn’t get my attention. I had to work hard to find something I could use. He wasn’t bad. I just wanted a bit more “meat” as it were. A bit of something that I could take home and try to live.
And so I sat there, listening carefully. It dawned on me that I have grown to the point where I could go back to that parish if it were the only alternative. I wouldn’t find it easy to feel well fed, but I wouldn’t be totally starved either. It would be ok. Why is this growth? Because of past events, there was a period of a couple of years where I couldn’t force myself inside the doors. But that’s for another time.
And so it goes. I’m still trying to discern some other situations and relationships where I have to decide that the compromise is OK. From where I sit, it doesn’t look like it will get much better. But, it’s not so bad that I have to avoid it. Or, are there cases where I have to dust off my sandals, and launch out in a new direction?
Sometimes it causes me to wish for more clarity. But for now – OK is OK.
