Looking at yesterday’s post, and considering today’s email that I get from Richard Rohr — Today, the email talks about standing naked before God being somewhat like standing naked before your lover and knowing that you are loved despite imperfections or an aging body. I look at my eternal circle and realized that each time I make the complete circle, I am able to undress a bit more, and know a bit more deeply that I am loved.
Let’s go ’round again.
The express purpose of this blog is contained in the title: I’m working on a Journey to [find] Myself. Simple. Huh?
Of late, it seems that everything I pick up to read is pointing me to either “be who I is” or “know myself.” And, some days, I even believe I get a tiny glimpse. But, most days, I’m clueless. What does this mean? How does one know get to know herself? How do I get out of the judging mode? How to stop the expectations that I place on myself? Or the expectations that I think others place on me? How? I know I’ve been on this part of the circle before. The cycle of becoming aware only to lose some of that awareness once again.
I have experienced, of late, the very solid sense that I am indeed in the right spot — in a good spot. I have a very rooted feeling that I followed through with retiring from the Library at the right time, for the right reasons… or might that be better phrased — It happened at a good time for good, positive reasons. I think about my exit interview and reflecting on a change of attitude, a change in point of view concerning something. And, I remember a heartfelt response from my interviewer of “That was quite a journey.” And, yes, it was.
I’ve read a lot lately, now I must move on to practicing. I must make the time to center myself. I must find a schedule that gives me a bit of time to pray on a regular schedule. I pray — but, it seems time to try to make that a more organized pursuit. To give it a priority. Rather like the priority I’ve given my gym schedule. I go. Five days a week. Even if I don’t really feel like it at times. That has become the rule — the exceptions are the days where I must meet other obligations like staying with my daughter and granddaughter; or keeping up with Lily and Ella. Otherwise, life is scheduled with my priorities in mind.
So, it must become with prayer… and journalling.
And, then, maybe, I can begin to get a glimpse of “who I is.”
I find myself considering how to write to my daughter and son-in-law. This is good — not bad, mind you.
After spending a few days with them and their tiny, new daughter, I returned home with a couple of strong impressions. Daddy looks at his tiny daughter and declares repeatedly “She’s perfect! Absolutely PERFECT.” How I want him to remember this and know in his full being that this is exactly how God sees him (as well as her.) My daughter told her grandmother that she is “so in love” with the baby. How I want her to know that God holds her in the same light.
The new family is doing well. Planning for the new one’s baptism… already have a crucifix installed over her bedroom door. And, so in love with her. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every child were held in such awe? Wouldn’t the world be such a better place? Wouldn’t it help to point us to the Love of God in our lives? Wow.
I read a lot were authors and teachers tell me that “God is madly in love with me.” — I believe it at one level. I’m not sure I have that experience at a gut level.
Yesterday, I was watching and listening my daughter talk to her grandmother on the phone… I was holding the newest generation – my granddaughter. I hear my child almost exclaim – “Oh, Grandma, she’s so perfect! I’m so in love with her!” And I felt that I had a glimpse of what those teachers are trying to tell me. This tiny child, come into the world a couple of weeks early — so loved and so viewed as perfection.
I am in awe.
I grew up loving trips to the Gulf Coast… cross the state line into Florida and I get a feeling of HOME — and odd, deep, excitement. As a child and later a teenager, 20 something and young mother I could stay at the beach, playing in the surf and watching the waves for an eternity. My soul rests when I look out at the Gulf.
In 1977 I was a part of the scientific crew on the Machias (research vessel from the University of Miami) to do baseline studies of the Gulf prior to opening it up to oil exploration and drilling. Due to an accident, we came in to port a week early to drop off our injured worker, only to discover that the Bureau of Land Management had decided to pull all of our funding. When we got off the boat a week later, we had no jobs. And, more importantly, there would be no hard data to show what the ecology and environment in the Gulf of Mexico had been like prior to drilling. If you can’t show what was there before, it is really difficult to prove that there has been great damage. That’s politics and law.
Today I find myself grieving. I drive a car, so I’m a part of the problem. Granted, one of our cars is a hybrid (Prius); Helps with gas mileage. Still, I grieve. The damage assessment from this leaking well only seems to get worse by the hour. I hope I live to see the recovery. I pray that God will guide the hearts and minds of those who must try to stop the hemorrhaging oil well and lead them to a solution. I look in horror at the pact with the devil that humankind has made to satisfy our need for energy – coal and oil…
Yes, I’m distressed. And trying to figure out how to help straighten the mess out (without making things worse). Forgive us, Father — we really don’t know what we are doing.
Can’t decide what is most in my mind today… making note of how my latest pass at following the South Beach diet is going, or making note of the the connectedness of all of creation. I think I’ll indulge myself and begin with the former.
This is day 1 of week 2 of Phase One of South Beach. That’s the stage that gets well and truly BORING – lean meat, veggies (but no carrots or sweet potatoes), no fruit, no bread or other starchy items. No Sugar. Lots of lowfat cheese, lots of eggs. And, of course, I seem to be losing less than hoped in this initial stage. Drat!
With that out of the way, I’m remembering the joys of “eating right.” When I’m noticing that I’m hungry, I am. Not the crashy, GOT TO EAT NOW AND FAST hungry, but still hungry. Most of the sensation of an overfull abdomen is gone. I sat on the bed last night to watch my 2 Sunday shows and discovered that I could do so without pain – without reflux. Joy!
And this morning in Zumba, I found myself doing far more of the jumping jack type moves, more hops, more of everything. Woohoo! The goal of having the jeans get looser is accompanied by the desire to do all of the Zumba class without pause and to enjoy it even more than I do now. It’s coming along slowly.
To get to the heart of it all, I’m looking at this as a way to facilitate ditching that extra layer of protection I carry around almost like another person. Gotta get rid of that. Gotta be just me. It is all a part of that Journey to Myself that I am on. It’s a part of finding the “me” that exists whether I work at the library or work from home or don’t even work at all. It a part of finding the “me” that is the same whether I’m daughter or sister or mother or grandmother. It’s learning to listen to the quiet, still voice that assures me that the person hiding in here is loved without having to earn it — and being willing to let her out.
I’ve been at this part of the spiral before… it seems good to find myself at this part of the circular path once more only a bit closer to the center.