Aaahh! The cycle of the Easter season. First there is Holy Week topped off with the Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday morning joy. Then we begin to roll through the season. Last week was not only Divine Mercy, but it is what I refer to as “Doubting Thomas” Sunday. And today is Emmaus — “Jesus — where are you? Oh! there you are! Where’d ya go?”

I seem to be in a valley of doubt these days. At times, I climb to a hill of “just not inspired.” It bothers me more that I don’t seem to be as bothered as I should be by all of this. I find growth in my walk on a yoga mat, not at mass. I question just how much I believe all of this Christianity stuff. And yet, I’m not drawn to give it up either. I have developed a great sense of apathy about it.

Along comes Emmaus. The people on the road, explaining to the man among them that they had such hopes, but fear they were wrong. They are disappointed and dismayed. He listens. He chastises them a bit. And, when they break bread (he breaks the bread) – they see! Joy! and then he disappears from their sight. Hmmm.

I suppose what I must learn to do is to be awake and never miss the insight, the vision that comes with breaking bread and seeing Jesus/Christ. I often think how it would be so nice if I could just show up for mass, and get my fix, get my glimpse. You know — head out to the store to pick up some faith. Pick my flavor as well. Doesn’t seem to work that way.

For now, Emmaus is a promise that if I walk the road, and stay awake and open to the breaking of bread, I will likely receive what I need to continue. In yoga class the instructors are always reminding us that it is a “practice.” I think that as a Christian, I must remember that it too is a “practice”  — it is never complete, or perfect or done. At least not in this world. Emmaus is hope that I will get enough of a glimpse that I continue to walk.


Needless suffering

Sorry God– but I just can’t make any sense out of this school shooting to day. It makes it hard to gaze on your goodness and believe.

There are so many things right now that are pushing me to a place of disbelief… a place where I feel a need to shake my fist at declare that you don’t konw what you are doing these days. The school shooting, Baby Cooper, a rabid kitten in the neighborhood, the shooting in the mall in Oregon… OK, so a rabid kitten isn’t up there with the others, but, geeze! It’s not something that makes it easy to see goodness and light as I walk through Advent. These are things that make me fearful and angry and at the same time determined not to let “the bad guys” scare me.

Advent — a time of hope and expectation for for new life, waiting for Emmanuel.

In the midst of this I look out and see a beautiful day. I hope for good news on other fronts. I think of the fun my granddaughter and I had earlier in the week.

Today is going to take some time to make peace with.