by Liz | Sep 21, 2009 | main
Tonight is one of those where my mind doesn’t seem to want to shut down… I’m pondering many things, for no know reason.
It’s one of those nights when I consider my faith – what it is and what it is not. I wonder at why I believe at all. I wonder what I believe. It’s such a mystery.
Do I believe that Jesus died for me? Well… yes, I think so. But, it’s not a powerful, overwhelming thing. I know that my life is richer, fuller and just generally more livable because I accept to some degree that God love me for who and what I am — warts and all.
Do I believe that Mary had only one child? Maybe, maybe not. The devout and conservative members of my Church probably would not be pleased to hear that. But, really – it just doesn’t matter to me. That she said “yes” to becoming the mother of Jesus – that she said “yes” to those things that God asked of her – that matters. Whether or not she had other children ad even whether or not the Holy Spirit was assisted by Joseph matters not to me.
Tonight is a night where I wonder why I claim to be Catholic – or even Christian at all. And does it matter? This is not a great distressed cry. It’s more of an introspective look at myself and the world/universe around me. I come up with some interesting answers. Yes, I am a Christian — not because of the words of the Bible so much as the Word of God — shared with me by my brothers and sisters who also walk this way of life. The Scriptures are the witness of those who came before us. But what touches me more deeply are the words of John, Susan, Jack, Manda, Sandra, Rosie, Frances, Marty… the list goes on. The works of those around me touch me. And I know that there is more here than meets the physical eye.
I could go on and on and on — I believe that I must practice forgiveness. It’s hard to do, but it certainly makes life a lot easier in the long run. I believe that my vocation is to love, not be judge and jury. That leaves me free to really enjoy folks for who they are. That gives me the space to take the not-so-great parts along with the wonderful parts. That let’s me laugh at myself and with my friends.
And, on this restless night, I find I must remember that God has tried to answer two of my long standing prayers: I have long prayed for gentleness of spirit and to be able to “be” instead simply doing. Occasionally, I actually experience these states of being. And they are good.
And so, I shall get myself a drink of water. I shall sit quietly and make my peace with the day that has gone by. And, I will praise the Lord that I was created with the freedom to question all things.
‘night.
by Liz | Sep 14, 2009 | main
Today’s readings always give me pause… in the desert, the people complain against God. Then come the seraph serpents that bite them and kill them. The cure is for Moses to put a serpent on a staff and hold it up. Whoever gazes on it is saved. This reading is followed by the gospel explanation that the Son of Man must be lifted up like the serpent, and that those who see this will be saved (have eternal life).
First — what is a seraph serpent? Not sure. But, it seems that the way to eternal life is to actually take the time to see ourselves and our shortcomings clearly. Then, when we see clearly, and accept all that means, we are on the road to wholeness.
My serpents are many. When I run from them and refuse to look them in the eye, I die a thousand little deaths. When I turn and face them, and look at the One who took them all on himself… ah, then I am on my way.
And so it is: you shall know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.
Thank you Jesus for being willing to accept me for what and who I am, right now. When I see this, and accept it, I am healed. When I pretend or refuse to be open to both the bad and the good, then I die.
Amen.
by Liz | Sep 6, 2009 | main
Football season in the SEC is now officially open. At one level, I see this as so much hooey. But, deep in my bones, it is exciting. As I left work on Friday afternoon, the atmosphere crackled like a festival. The FiJis (over at ‘Bama, those boys might be known as Phi Gams, but here on the Plains, they are Fiji’s) had the couches out on the lawn alongside the monster speakers that blasted us with a serenade somewhere between rock and country. Tailgaters were relaxing at picnic tables and outdoor folding chairs inside their spots that were marked with orange safety tape. Kids sporting football jerseys played on the sidewalk.
When I no longer work at the Library, I think this will be one of those scenes I will miss… it’s hard to explain the simultaneous thrill and peace that I experience on Friday afternoons in the fall, when the Tigers are playing at home. Life is good. All shall be well. The universe is in order.
It might be shallow. There are those who might take my enchantment with this mystery of being as sacreligious or heathen. But, I noticed that in today’s Gospel, Jesus healed a deaf mute, not by standing over him and praying but by touching him – up close and intimate – put his finger in the deaf-mute’s ears, spit and touched his tongue. That is getting close. That is being present in whatever way is necessary for healing. And so, I’ll enjoy my Friday afternoon experiences where I feel touched. I will enjoy the time where the joy and excitement, and sense of belonging to a community are palpable.
Oh, yes… in the South, football is alarmingly like religion.
by Liz | Aug 29, 2009 | main
As a part of my “be still” campaign, I am also practicing paying attention. And, of course trying to enter an attitude of prayer more often.
One of my passtimes is playing a game I found on Facebook – Wordshunt. You can check in from time to time and add letters to your bag. I have many facebook friend who have this app, so I have many racks to browse through when searching for a particular letter. I scroll down the list and see my friend’s little profile pictures and hunt for letters.
Frances is about 2/3 of the way down the list. Frances has been in the hospital for over 2 weeks with a pulmonary (lung/breathing) problem and has been transferred to UAB (Univ. of Alabama at Birmingham – one of the top tier hospitals) where the docs are beginning to get a handle on treating her. Still, there is no understanding of the cause which is both frustrating and a bit frightening. And so, I have found that as I hunt for letters, I scroll down and see Frances. I pause. I remember her to God. I ask for healing. I sit with her in prayer.
It’s not much, I know. But, the Bible (is is Paul?) admonishes us to pray without ceasing. That I don’t do. But, it is good to take notice of things, and take a break to pray.
Frances – my prayers are with you, with your family and with your medical teams. Get well.
by Liz | Aug 27, 2009 | main
My “homework” is once again to practice “being still.”
Ugh! Just the other day I realized that other folks in my office are not privy to the conversations that go on constantly in my head. I have to update them from time to time or my questions seem to come from nowhere. I must practice being still, being present, and listening. It would be easier if they would listen inside my head (when I want them to, and only when I want them to) and then I wouldn’t have to pay attention or explain.
So – I’m back to breathing. Three focused breaths. “Am I breathing?” “Yes”, “Am I still breathing?” “yes”, “Let’s make sure I’m breathing.” “I am!” Or maybe 3 breaths to pray Father, Son, Holy Spirit. And I need to do this at least 27 times a day, it seems. Just to give myself a chance to rest in the Lord. Or simply to rest.
Am I breathing? Yes – and when I focus on it, the world around becomes brighter and more alive. Wow.
Am I breathing? Hear the sound of my breathing. Here the fan on the computer. Here the dog snoring next to me.
Am I breathing? Be still, and know that I AM your God.
Amen.
