by Liz | Jul 4, 2011 | main
There is a hole in my existence that opens up on occasion and sends me to a deep place. This place often strikes me as dark, but not always.
We drove in to New England a couple of days ago. That empty space opened up in me. It felt something like the way I feel when I cross into the panhandle of Florida. It is there, but less intense when I cross in to Florida not in the panhandle, or when I turn south headed to Gulf Shores. It feels the same when I head in to the mountains. The sea and the mountains seem to open this place up in me.
What I can’t quite decide it what that feeling is beyond longing. Is it my awareness of God? I mean the presence of God in nature. Or is it a longing just to be one with that nature? We had XM radio set to Margaritaville when it hit… Specifically Jimmy was singing the song that starts “Father, Father Ocean…”. It was dedicated to Jacques Cousteau. A great, deep melancholy settled in. Is that a sort of sadness that I am separated from the ocean/mountains? Is it a part of me sad at the awareness that I am separated?
I live inland — where the Piedmont Plateau meets the Coastal Plain. Not coastal, not mountains. Not urban, not country. Often my life is like my geography. I am often complacent about my current status. I know that I am not growing, not being transformed and I like the comfort of the status quo.
This longing for something as I approach the ocean or the mountains seems to call out to me. And I sit with that call and try to listen. I both love and despise this feeling. It is uncomfortable and it feels sad. And at the same time it calls me to open up to live life at its fullest and experience things that are extremely fulfilling, but not so safe and protected.
For a few days I will have the chance to walk by the ocean and feel its power. At the same time I will be surrounded by family. And I will know that it is “a good thing” to be willing to walk into those wild places because I am surrounded by love.
by Liz | Jun 8, 2011 | main
This morning one of the members of my Cursillo reunion group announced that she has to leave the group. Of course, our first reaction was “NOT ALLOWED.” But then we listened to her fill in the blanks… and it was good news and bad.
The bad of course is that one of our close knit group won’t be joining us each week. She feels that she does this just for herself (we aren’t so sure about that, as she is a vital part of the whole and makes wonderful contributions). AAARRGGH! Why?
The Good News is that she has taken the step of acting on a call to serve others. She will be joining the local Vincent de Paul Society and working with them — and they need her at the same time our group meets. She has been wrestling with this… we can tell. I rejoice in her growing to this point. I am glad she has found a call and is willing to follow it.
Change is constant. Change never seems to be easy. Another member is leaving for a month in California because of her mother with Alzheimers. It’s hard to have her gone. Another is in the throes of moving to another state to be closer to family. She has no family left here in town and knows that is is the right decision to move closer to her daughter(s). She is a bit stressed, but seems confident that this is indeed the right move. Another is facing a health challenge. All sorts of changes in my cozy little world.
Lord, let me walk trusting that You are the Way, that You have a plan, that You are with me, and that all shall be well. All manner of things shall be well.
by Liz | Jun 7, 2011 | main
The jays, mockingbirds and brown thrashers out back are not pleased with me these days. It has nothing to do with my playing Angry Birds (oh, yes, I’ve been playing Angry Birds and enjoying slingshotting birds of various capabilities with varying success at blowing up green pigs in all sort of houses… but I digress).
We have blueberry bushes out back, with an abundance of berries which are ripening up nicely. The birds and I disagree over who should get most of the crop. So, a couple of days ago we covered the bushes with bird netting to inhibit the birds’ ability to steal the berries. They have squawked and fussed at me. I have run at them flapping my arms like a human scarecrow. I’m winning, I think.
Competition for resources is a part of life. My spiritual life leads me to try to live in the parameters of “share” and there will be enough for everybody (even the birds, I guess). But, for now, I’m taking the hard line. There is other food for those birds in my yard. There is enough to go around. I just want the blueberries. The birds can have the worms, the grubs, the pine nuts, the acorns — the nectar (I saw a humming bird the other day).
Something to ponder… while I eat the blueberries.
by Liz | Jun 5, 2011 | main
(with apologies to Jimmy Buffet)
I’ve recently been on a campaign to get rid of the extra padding I carry around — physically. So, I signed up with a weightloss clinic, where I pay more than I should for a program to redo my eating habits and drop pounds at a rate that keeps me inspired to stick with it. I suppose that if it works, where not much else ever has, then maybe it is not that overpriced.
So, this morning I looked in the mirror and felt like the changes were evident. That’s good, but it is also something that requires me to step back and evaluate. I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be. I feel so much lighter, I almost have to fight the urge to say “this is good enough.” and be done. But it’s not. I’m on this journey and I have a goal in mind. So, I’ll stick with it.
Funny thing about goals: you have to see where you are so you know what’s necessary to change/do to get there. And sometimes that goal is sort of fuzzy: you think you know what you’ll have when you reach it, but the closer you get, it seems to change on you. So, if I lose 50-60 lbs, just what will I have? And will I keep it?
Already I see my blood pressure dropping. It was never a problem on a generic scale, but it was higher than I was accustomed to. Not in the “high blood pressure” range, but in the “high blood pressure for Liz” range. So, I know I’m making progress.
I’m wearing clothes I haven’t worn in years. Not that’s hope: just the fact that I still have some of these clothes in the closet!
But the attitude that I must keep in mind is this: Many people seem to exercise to lose weight. I am losing weight because I love exercise — and less weight means I can do more, and I hope to do things that I couldn’t do at a higher weight. I’d love to water ski successfully again, I’d love to snow ski (I’ve only been once), and I think I really like to try a ropes course. Not to mention attempting a marathon or at least a half-marathon. And, I already see that I can complete a Zumba class without dying… and I am beginning to be able to hold a plank position for more than 10 seconds (Just a matter of pride there).
Still, on occasion I just want to BE DONE. I don’t embrace the process 24/7. My patience runs short. I still need to work on the attitude whilst changing the latitude.
by Liz | Jun 4, 2011 | main
I am living a what would be a really perfect existence for many faithful RC women: I have a living spouse, 3 grown children and 3 granddaughters. My husband is active in our local parish and in the Cursillo movement. All 3 children and spouses are Catholic (mostly practicing) and all 3 little girls are baptized in the Catholic Church.
So, why do I think God has a sense of humor?
So many people I know would love to be in this situation. Me? It’s good, but not at all necessary. Yes, I desire that my family know that they are children of God and live in that love. But, they are on their own paths, and be that in the Catholic Church, or in any Christian community, or any other community that lives and shares the love of God — it just doesn’t matter.
And so, while it makes me happy, I wonder why it is? I struggle so hard with the RC Church — with the scandals, the at times almost incomprehensible [to me] actions and decisions of the hierarchy and with those who seem bent on returning the church to one that I wouldn’t even recognize (I am a post Vatican II convert who thinks that I could never have been a pre-Vatican II Catholic). And here I sit – surrounded.
It just strikes me as a rather humorous situation… it’s likely that God knows better what I need than I do. No, not just likely — She does.
by Liz | Mar 26, 2011 | main
On my way to mass this evening, I had to stop to get gas. Distressing to see what it costs to fuel my car! Besides, I got notice that I was needed to play for mass in mid-afternoon and I wasn’t in a joyful, positive state of mind to begin with. There was a tornado watch in effect. I was tired, and grumpy and just generally out of sorts.
The rain was falling, but just as I finished filling the tank, the sun burst through the clouds. The rain began to fade away. And right there at the Exxon station, I was treated to a full blown, full arc, double rainbow. I had to step out and just gaze at it. My mood began to transform immediately and I thought to myself “Wow! God is reminding me of that there is good everywhere.”
On to mass. Running late. Couldn’t find the second page of the communion hymn. Somebody had made a major mess of the numbers for the hymnboard. No time to check my tuning on my guitar. Went to set the cell phone to silent and saw a missed call from my youngest child who was in an automobile accident yesterday (not his fault, thank goodness). My emotions are hanging out all over my face.
And Fr. Jack proceeds to focus the homily on how God shows up in the most unexpected places (water from a rock in the desert? get real!). Nothing spectacular required. God is present in wine, water, bread and oil. How common and basic can you get? And I thought of the rainbow.
Out of nowhere the sacred is injected into life. In a shared meal, a surprise rainbow, a baby’s smile. Life is good. There is hope.
Alleluia!
