by Liz | Mar 2, 2007 | main
A few days ago, a couple of lost souls in the library asked me for directions. I pointed, and talked, and watched them, so I could offer course corrections for a bit. I think they made it to their destination, but I don’t know how many more times they had to ask. As I went about my own business, I thought – It would have been better to walk with them to the point in question. Things would have been a bit more clear that way.
Is that the difference between just reading the Bible, reading books, etc and actually following Christ by allowing him to walk with me? I just ask for directions and then wander off to muddle through myself sometimes. To allow the Spirit to walk with me might just make things a bit easier to navigate.
by Liz | Mar 1, 2007 | main
The past couple of weeks have been rather [emotionally] intense. There were several days where the object of my anger wore the face of a priest – the pastor at our parish. He’s one of those people in my life in whom I see and sense a very deep and intense spirituality… he’s a marvelous preacher… he can really get through to me. I wish sometimes he would heed his own preaching.
He’s one of those folks that I love to death – he’s been there in reconciliation (ok Confession) and really let the Light shine through. He gives great homilies. And more often than not, he behaves in ways that make me want to pinch his head off, or failing that just shake him.
And so, while my frustration and anger was running full bore, I picked up the Sunday readings for the Sunday before Ash Wednesday and got whacked between the eyes. Let’s quote a bit here from Luke 6:
Jesus said to his disciples:
“To you who hear I say,
love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
To the person who strikes you on one cheek,
offer the other one as well, …
For if you love those who love you,
what credit is that to you?
Even sinners love those who love them.
And if you do good to those who do good to you,
what credit is that to you?
Even sinners do the same…
“Stop judging and you will not be judged.
Stop condemning and you will not be condemned.
Forgive and you will be forgiven.
Give, and gifts will be given to you;
a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing,
will be poured into your lap.
For the measure with which you measure
will in return be measured out to you.â€
OK – whoa! Now I had to not only pick music for the mass (which would feature this gospel), but I realized I had to go home and pray that same passage. Like – reach beyond wanting to pinch his head off and be generous, and loving, and stop judging. Ouch. I am much better at this when I am the direct object of someone’s bad behaviour than when I see my friends hurting because of someone’s bad behaviour. This wasn’t going to be easy.
In the mean time, another emotional disaster struck. A friend, a companion on the journey and someone who had been helpful in offering a plan to deal with said priest in a positive and gentle, but assertive manner, fell ill. In this world of medical miracles, she was one of those unthinkable cases: she died. I talked with her, and she offered her sage advice on Wednesday night; on Thursday I read the gospel from Luke; on Friday, she went to the doctor because her closest friend made her – and by Tuesday, she was gone.
She lives a very long way away from me. The person who introduced us, and was very close to her kept me posted by phone. There were times when I was angry that I was far away and couldn’t even give him a hug as he watched this unfold.
What do you do? The best thing I did was to own that anger. Not express it out loud (except maybe to the dogs and the birds in the back yard) – just own it. Sit down with it. Listen to it. And then I could send it on it’s merry way.
And maybe that’s the “magic” in the sacrament of reconciliation (the sacrament formerly known as Confession – and maybe known as that again)… I own the anger, I own the mistakes, I own the fear. Only when I know that, when I embrace those emotions, can I give them up and let them go, and say “I’m really sorry” or maybe “now that just isn’t worth the energy it required.” And be blessed – whether I do it in the sacramental fashion, or just with me and God.
I believe Francis of Asisi was entirely correct: It is in forgiving that we are forgiven.
Amen.
by Liz | Jan 10, 2007 | main
I’m still struggling with this one… partly because my will is probably out of line with God’s will, but I know that my will is often shortsighted and limited in scope.
This is a really thorny concept for me – demanding that I release more control (not that I often really think I have control, but I WANT IT!)
When I wrestle with this, it causes me to wonder if I am a believer at all.
by Liz | Jan 7, 2007 | main
When I was a teenager, in the Presbyterian Church, we did a folk mass… the song for the sung homily contained the lines:
The peace of God, it is no peace, but strife closed in the sod…
Those words have haunted me ever since. What is the “peace of God”, anyway? On Epiphany, I see again that in the immortal words of Garfield (the cat) – “The truth shall set you free… but first it will make you miserable.” Ah! The peace of God brings me back to “know thyself” – and love what you find. The peace of God means letting that Light shine into those dark corners so that the beasties hiding there are forced into the light. The peace of God means making your peace with those beasties as well.
Why are we uncomfortable in the Light? Because we are not yet perfect, I guess. This is the curse described when Adam and Eve ate of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. We see all too clearly, and not at all. And we want to hide from the Light.
I have a friend who will be moving away. That is one of those beasties in the dark corner. I’ll miss him terribly. I don’t like that. I want, selfishly, to have him remain in this place. Now, I will try to look at the situation in the Light, and see if I can rearrange my approach so that I am in favor of whatever is best for him. And remember that I mouth the words “Thy will be done” and make it more than words. Accept it as the best for all. Even me. Even for others who will miss him when he moves.
My holiness for today: mass – the time spent allowing these thoughts and feelings to bubble to the surface and be re-formed. My closest moment: “Lord, I am not worthy, but only say the words and I shall be healed”; My study: trying to write this out in a coherent fashion (not sure I succeeded in that!); My action: Still up in the air.
by Liz | Jan 4, 2007 | main
These categories run together for me – one leads to another and back again…
It always seems that mass is the answer when I reflect on what I do or where I am that engenders spiritual growth. Now that we’re back at work, I find I truly miss that half hour at daily mass. The chance to be with others, to share our faith, and be a small community. And, differently from Sunday, I get to sit in the pew and be.
Tuesday’s gospel related the story where John the Baptist is asked “Who are you? Are you the messiah?” No. “Are you Elijah?” No. “Then who are you?” A voice crying in the wilderness. Marty’s reflection focused on how we must know ourselves and our limitations. Mine included the usefulness of being questioned, so that we can figure out who we are, and what we are about. He says I missed the point. I say that his job is to sow the seed, and not to be so adamant about what grows from it.
And so, by “missing” the point, I had a bit of vision that helps me to accept who and what I am. And sometimes, that is to be the questioner. To question myself, and those around me. And, to see more clearly – which is that close moment we seek.
by Liz | Jan 1, 2007 | main
I’m not much for resolutions – although I really must divest myself of some extra padding this year… I’d like to do that this week, but I can only begin.
And so – I’m going to approach this “resolution” idea with journalling. When we meet on Wednesday mornings, we try to reflect on 3 things: Holiness/piety, Formation/Study and Evangelization/Action. Maybe, if I can do that every evening, then I can focus on the more positive aspects of my life, and grow in a healthy direction.
And so I begin with 1-Jan-2007:
1. I did make it to mass this morning. A good way to start the day, and indeed the year. And, indeed, the idea for answering the 3 questions on a daily basis came from mass this morning. So, if I did sense Christ’s presence today, it would have to be at some point during mass, or in the contact with others afterward. Not much, but a start.
2. Study/formation: I’m drawing a blank here. Funny, I’m reading the last book in Jan Karon’s Mitford series, and the thoughts and feelings she projects from Fr. Tim and Cynthia do somehow help to form my own thoughts and feelings. So, maybe that’s what I’ve read or experienced that helps me to be more of what I seek to be.
3. Action: Pretty slim pickings here as well. I do try to act in at least a respectful, if not overtly loving manner around my spouse. And sometimes, considering my internal landscape, that is a major project in and of itself.
OK – so tomorrow we try again.
