I’m still struggling with this one… partly because my will is probably out of line with God’s will, but I know that my will is often shortsighted and limited in scope.
This is a really thorny concept for me – demanding that I release more control (not that I often really think I have control, but I WANT IT!)
When I wrestle with this, it causes me to wonder if I am a believer at all.
When I was a teenager, in the Presbyterian Church, we did a folk mass… the song for the sung homily contained the lines:
The peace of God, it is no peace, but strife closed in the sod…
Those words have haunted me ever since. What is the “peace of God”, anyway? On Epiphany, I see again that in the immortal words of Garfield (the cat) – “The truth shall set you free… but first it will make you miserable.” Ah! The peace of God brings me back to “know thyself” – and love what you find. The peace of God means letting that Light shine into those dark corners so that the beasties hiding there are forced into the light. The peace of God means making your peace with those beasties as well.
Why are we uncomfortable in the Light? Because we are not yet perfect, I guess. This is the curse described when Adam and Eve ate of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. We see all too clearly, and not at all. And we want to hide from the Light.
I have a friend who will be moving away. That is one of those beasties in the dark corner. I’ll miss him terribly. I don’t like that. I want, selfishly, to have him remain in this place. Now, I will try to look at the situation in the Light, and see if I can rearrange my approach so that I am in favor of whatever is best for him. And remember that I mouth the words “Thy will be done” and make it more than words. Accept it as the best for all. Even me. Even for others who will miss him when he moves.
My holiness for today: mass – the time spent allowing these thoughts and feelings to bubble to the surface and be re-formed. My closest moment: “Lord, I am not worthy, but only say the words and I shall be healed”; My study: trying to write this out in a coherent fashion (not sure I succeeded in that!); My action: Still up in the air.
These categories run together for me – one leads to another and back again…
It always seems that mass is the answer when I reflect on what I do or where I am that engenders spiritual growth. Now that we’re back at work, I find I truly miss that half hour at daily mass. The chance to be with others, to share our faith, and be a small community. And, differently from Sunday, I get to sit in the pew and be.
Tuesday’s gospel related the story where John the Baptist is asked “Who are you? Are you the messiah?” No. “Are you Elijah?” No. “Then who are you?” A voice crying in the wilderness. Marty’s reflection focused on how we must know ourselves and our limitations. Mine included the usefulness of being questioned, so that we can figure out who we are, and what we are about. He says I missed the point. I say that his job is to sow the seed, and not to be so adamant about what grows from it.
And so, by “missing” the point, I had a bit of vision that helps me to accept who and what I am. And sometimes, that is to be the questioner. To question myself, and those around me. And, to see more clearly – which is that close moment we seek.
I’m not much for resolutions – although I really must divest myself of some extra padding this year… I’d like to do that this week, but I can only begin.
And so – I’m going to approach this “resolution” idea with journalling. When we meet on Wednesday mornings, we try to reflect on 3 things: Holiness/piety, Formation/Study and Evangelization/Action. Maybe, if I can do that every evening, then I can focus on the more positive aspects of my life, and grow in a healthy direction.
And so I begin with 1-Jan-2007:
1. I did make it to mass this morning. A good way to start the day, and indeed the year. And, indeed, the idea for answering the 3 questions on a daily basis came from mass this morning. So, if I did sense Christ’s presence today, it would have to be at some point during mass, or in the contact with others afterward. Not much, but a start.
2. Study/formation: I’m drawing a blank here. Funny, I’m reading the last book in Jan Karon’s Mitford series, and the thoughts and feelings she projects from Fr. Tim and Cynthia do somehow help to form my own thoughts and feelings. So, maybe that’s what I’ve read or experienced that helps me to be more of what I seek to be.
3. Action: Pretty slim pickings here as well. I do try to act in at least a respectful, if not overtly loving manner around my spouse. And sometimes, considering my internal landscape, that is a major project in and of itself.
OK – so tomorrow we try again.
I made it to mass this morning (one of the benefits of the university being shut down for the holidays)… The first reading is John I 2:3-11. “Beloved: The way we ma be sure that we know Jesus is to keep his commandments….”
Fridays are “open mike homily” days in our parish. My open mike got sidetracked by someone who has been reading her friend, Charles Curran’s Memoirs. She reflected on how he has managed to survive, to live gospel values despite his condemnation by Rome – how he is not bitter. How he acknowledges those that hold opposing opinions, and finds something positive about them. She continued by reflecting on the fact that John talks about loving your brothers [and sisters] – those you live in most close contact with, and how that is often more difficult than loving at a bit more of a distance.
Now – that sidetracked my own reflections in a good way. The readings brought to my mind how this knowledge of Jesus causes us to act as He would act. If we are in touch with the mind of God, and take it to heart, then we will find that we go beyond “acting” as if we love one another and move to loving one another.